Why Your Girl Can't Be Your Best Friend

By: The ESQue

Because I am a man without cable or internet, I do a lot of thinking. I tend to analyze things. My life. The life of other's. Different things that I might hear or see. Most recently I've thought about what it is to be in a relationship. The ultimate relationship that all women seem to seek and all men seem to avoid. Where everything is on a higher level because you have met your soul mate. Where you are with the person with whom you are convinced you will spend forever with. Your soul mate. Your life's love. Your better half. Your best friend.

I read recently Doug and Jackie Christie (Crazy 1 & 2 for short) do an interview where they said about each other, "We're best friends. We share everything." Then I thought to myself at first "Wow. How sweet is that Best Friends? Really? Wow." Made me want to go get one of those nice woven bracelets that say Best Friend and give the second one to that special lady in my life. But then, as I thought more about my best male friend, Mr. Femi Phipps, and cycled through the volumes of phone calls, situations, and conversations in my mental library I realized two things: Doug Christie is either lying his crooked teeth having ass off and full of sh*t or he's pu**y whipped and your woman can NEVER be your best friend. Ever.

A woman may say to you that she wants to be your best friend. She may even set you up for the trickery that is making you believe you can tell her anything. Fellas, DON'T DO IT! You'll be the 2007 version of Eric Benet. And by that I don't mean you'll walk around barefoot and suddenly be able to sing.

See here's the thing. You share absolutely everything with your best friend. That's why they're your best friend. They know ALL your dirt. They probably know even more dirt on you than yo' mama. And THAT'S a lot of dirt. You tell them about secrets, thoughts, the whole bit. If it's truly a best friend, they are a walking vault of your secrets and a diary unlike any other.
Which is exactly why that can never be your woman. Here's what I mean:

1. Your best friend isn't going to leave you.
If I'm on the phone with Femi…and I have been many a time and tell him, "you know what, I really want to fu*k this b*tch at my job"or "there's this chick at my gym I think I can bone, and I'm gonna" or "I just f*cked the sh*t out of this chick I met a few weeks ago", your best friend is going to pat you on the back, say "congrats" and maybe ask for some details. If he is a so-called "good brother" he's going to say some gay sh*t like "you know you shouldn't be stepping out on your woman like that, man." at which point you can look at him like he's stupid and you all will both laugh and move on. Either way, you can't "cheat" on your best friend (although you can betray them, it rarely happens unless you’re the shadiest of shady) and thus, he will feel nothing at all but happiness for you at your latest conquest. One thing he isn't doing is getting upset, packing everything of yours in a box and leaving it on your doorstep with keys in the middle of the night. That ain't happening.
Now try that with your woman. Riiiiiiiight.
It's easy to say, "You can have your girl as your best friend when you are leading a respectable life." And you would sound like a chick. Harsh, but true. That 100% honesty bit is a wash because your woman has feelings for you that your best friend simply doesn't have. So she's going to be affected by things you do in ways that they simply will not. Imagine you're boning the next chick while your lady is calling your cell for you not to answer. No emergency, nothing pressing. She just wants to…"talk". Would you, in your right mind get on the phone afterwards and tell her how good the cut you just climbed out of was? Riiiiiiiiight. Didn't think so. Your best friend? Of course you could tell him. In fact, it makes for 10x's better convo than just shooting the sh*t. Holla if you hear me.

2. Your best friend isn't going to use your honesty against you later on.
Ask any man how many times he's made the bonehead mistake of answering a question that his woman has asked him 100% honestly when the answer was more complicated than a simple "yes" or "no" (and even those can be dicey) and the response you will get may surprise you. Most men make this mistake only 3x's if they are the most hard headed of freaks but usually getting burned is all it takes.
Now some women try to act like they can handle all the truth. The reality is that they can only handle certain truths. Some women know which questions not to ask because they say they want honesty (and truly might) but would rather avoid that truth when it is an uncomfortable. An interesting approach, but not one that speaks to someone being your best friend. There is nothing uncomfortable with me and my best friend. No uncomfortable truth that we would avoid ore can't discuss. Some women like to think that because their man can tell them that they think the girl on the other side of the club has a phatty that all of a sudden they have the most honest relationship. Or that because he tells you that you look a lil hefty in that dress that you don't hold anything back. My response? Sheeeeeeeed. Imagine the worst truth that your man could tell you…I'm not talking about "Honey I hate your meatloaf because it's always too salty." I'm talking about, "When we are together and having sex, sometimes I imagine I'm boning your cousin who has slightly bigger tits and seems like she's more of a freak." or "Phew! I'm so glad that my side chick had that abortion for me before you found out." Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Not something you're going to tell your woman, but something you wouldn't have a problem telling your best friend.
And best friends don't abuse the honesty. You don't have to worry about coming home after your cell died on you for your best friend to ask you some craziness like "Your gotdamn cell was off…you must've been fu*king dat b*tch!" or any variation there of when you called yourself being honest with your "best friend" about what you've been doing every Thurs night after work since they cancelled Cheers. They aren't going to beat you in the head or keep a running count of the lies you've told to bring them out during a "fight." I've seen guys get hit with the "lies you've told me" combo during the middle of an argument. It's ugly.

3. Your best friend isn't going to seek revenge for your actions.
The terms "revenge fu*k", "get back head", "f*ck 'em girl dress" etc. are not in the vocabulary of the best friend (and if any of them are….you need prayer you sicko). But your woman? Sheeed. Imagine that every woman has a "truth resivour" where she stores things that may not be pleasant but that she has allowed herself to confront and deal with. Every woman's tank would be reflective of her tolerance level, and thus, a different size for every woman. Imagine the same thing for your best friend. First of all, your best friend's would be infinitely larger than your woman's but in addition to that when your woman's tank floods after being full, watch out! (See the terms at the beginning of this paragraph). But when your best friend's fills up--if ever--what happens? NOTHING. You don't have to worry about choking out your best friend because when you used his bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet there are only 9 magnums of a 12 pack. And you all don't use rubbers. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

So those are the top three reasons that your lady can only be your baby. Your relationship may be special. It may be unique, but the price of honesty--past or present--is most often too high when combined with the nature of feelings and attachment for your woman to pay. It just doesn't work. So what do you do? Be realistic about the levels of honesty that you are prepared to accept. Accept them. And realize that there are certain truths you are unprepared and unwilling to accept. DON'T SEARCH FOR THEM. View the glass as half full and enjoy the drink before it evaporates.

Sad? No. Harsh? Yes. True? Absolutely.

The ESQue is a proud blogger and affiliate of Blackmanshit! Holla at him with your feedback. UNDERDOGQUE@gmail.com